it’s just you and me

Today, I turned 27.

I suppose it’s natural for people to reflect on their lives on birthdays, since it’s a glaring reminder that time is passing whether you notice it or not. It’s a good excuse to compare where you are with where you want to be, and figure out if you’re doing anything to unify those two places.

So, am I where I want to be? No, not really. I don’t really know where I want to be. Certainly there are things that I’d like to change in my life and in myself. I’d like to stop being so irresponsible and ridiculous. I’d like for my career to progress. I’d just like to feel more… grown up, more secure. The apathy of my youth is no longer endearing, entertaining or at all practical. I’ll be 30 in 3 years, but I’m still very much a child. I’ve noticed some subtle shifts in my thinking and my attitudes toward certain things lately, though, so I think all this yearning for change is having an effect, albeit subliminally.

I need to get moving on the various projects and goals I’ve set for myself. There just isn’t enough time in the day. I want to change my diet a bit. I want to get all of my various websites running in some kind of cohesive manner. I want to declutter my house. I have lots of things to do, and I’m not really doing any of it.

Birthdays also serve to highlight the people that give a shit about you. The ones that make the effort, even if it’s just to say “Happy birthday”, are people you should keep around. It shows they at least thought about you. Somehow, I’m always shocked by how few people bother, but those few people are consistent, and I’m thankful for them: my parents and sisters, Jenn, CJ and Joanna, Allison, Sam, Paul Cherry, Meghan, several people at work and a couple of people from my past. That’s all I heard from today. I’m not the type who likes a lot of attention for this type of thing, I just… I don’t know. I guess I imagined that I meant more to some people. But hey, it’s quality, not quantity, right?

I can’t help but think about the other half of my extended family, that used to mean so much to me, but now… I don’t know. I seriously just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I mean, I do, in the sense that there’s kind of a narrator in my head spewing rational thoughts at me when I’m thinking about them, and I know I should be listening, but I can’t bring myself to do it. There’s yet another goal I’ve been procrastinating on…

Regardless, this birthday was pretty good. My weekend with Jenn was wonderful, the dinners yesterday with Joanna and tonight with my mom and buddy and my sisters were great, and I’m sure the other get-togethers I have scheduled for the week will be good.

The past year has been a good one. I met Jenn and I’ve had a wonderful 7 months with her so far. There have been illnesses and familial troubles, but everyone seems to be dealing with them well. Dad went to a hypnotherapist yesterday, for his smoking addiction. I’ve been waiting for a week to pass before I ask how it’s been going. Hopefully well. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel at work. Having Joanna as a roommate is going well. I’m still not eating fast food. I’m (hopefully) getting a new MacBook soon. Gas prices are down, my spirits are up, and I finally got a DVR.

I suppose I’m actually enthusiastic to see what the next year will bring.

I’ve been on vacation for the past week and a half. Jenn’s been here with me since August 1st. I’m taking her back to Richmond Tuesday night, and not having her here is going to take some getting used to.

I have other things on my mind right now, though.

I found out one week ago that my grandmother has cirrhosis. I’m not really sure how to react. I was really close with my grandparents up until 3 years ago, give or take. I haven’t spoken to either of them since then, for reasons that don’t need to be discussed here. I’m just… angry at them for their behavior, and that’s a hard thing to carry around year after year.

I thought about this exact scenario many times. They’re both older, and have had their share of health problems. It was only logical to imagine that the time would come when one would have some serious illness, before any of the animosity had been resolved, and certain hard choices would have to be made.

The adult decision would be to put all that aside and spend time with her. It would be extremely selfish and petty to let that animosity keep me from seeing her. They both used to be a huge part of my life. I’ve missed them more than I can say.

But at the same time, I can’t ignore that anger. It’s there, and it’s legitimate. It won’t simply disappear just because I want it to. I’m terribly afraid that it’d come bubbling up during a visit and the situation would become explosive. I really, really don’t want that to happen.

And then I wonder how they feel about me specifically. I don’t think I could handle either of my grandparents turning on me. They left a comment on this site a long, long time ago, and it was kind, but who can say if that’s really the case? People say one thing and do another all the time. I’ve learned to never trust words, but to depend on observation of a person’s actions to determine their intent and trustworthiness. It remains a possibility, in my mind, that they might already be angry with me for my position in this.

I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid to do anything, and I’m afraid to do nothing. The only thing I do know is that this is happening right now, and I’m spending my days on vacation, going to concerts and the beach and movies, and sitting around at home watching TV, and going out to dinner and out shopping and sleeping in, and my grandmother is suffering from a potentially life-threatening illness.