it’s just you and me

I’m trying not to fill this new incarnation of my blog with whiny personal existential rants, but…

Jenn and I have broken up. It was a very hard thing for me to do, made much harder by the way she handled it, but it had to be done. Things had grown toxic between us. We were both at fault for that; her, unable to control her emotions, exploding at me in tears and anger over every little thing, and me, unable to bear even the slightest hint of conflict, to the point that I anticipated arguments and fights in even the most benign circumstances.

For the past few weeks, as things have gotten worse with her moving home to Annapolis and preparing to move to Kansas, I’ve been increasingly unable to ignore the obvious path this relationship was taking. Once she was in Kansas, and during the weeks immediately preceding her move, the amount of stress and anxiety she’d be feeling would be extremely high, which would lead to more and more fights. The frequency with which she would hit me with guilt trips over not being able to come see her as often as she’d like, while unintentional, would crush me. We’d both be miserable. She’d resent me for not doing more, and I’d resent her for expecting me to do too much. We’d grow to hate each other, and I can’t bear the thought of that.

It became clear to me that if I was going to salvage any relationship at all with her, it had to end before it got to that point. I can’t bear the thought of losing her completely. I still love her very much, but love isn’t the only thing you need to keep a relationship going, especially a long distance one.

Right now, she hates me for doing this to her. She thinks it’s a mistake. I hate myself for causing her this pain, and I sometimes think it would just be easier to take it back and go back to pretending that everything is fine. But I know that will only make things better temporarily. I have to keep reminding myself that this is better in the long run. I have to bear the burden in this, yet again, for making things work. I just wish she could see it…

Perhaps, in a few years, we’ll meet up again, and she’ll have grown up a bit, figured herself out a little, have some clue about the things that make her tick. Perhaps I’ll have grown more patient. Perhaps I’ll develop a desire to have someone be completely dependent on me for their happiness and well-being. Perhaps then we can try again. Right now, though, I can’t even talk to her about our issues without her falling apart and shutting down, and I can’t be in a situation like that. I have to be able to discuss things with the person I am with. It can’t work otherwise.

Between this, the encounters with my grandparents, and things going on at work… this has been a horrible week, and I’m inclined to just avoid human contact as much as possible for the next few days so I can grieve in peace.

There’s been a direct correlation between Twitter’s increasing popularity and my frustration at having a common name.

You may or may not be aware that there is a basketball player also named JR Smith. He plays for the Denver Nuggets. I changed my site several years ago into a Geocities-style fan site for this guy, as an April Fool’s joke.

Over the last week or two, I’ve been getting an increasing number of mentions on Twitter from people thinking that I’m that guy. It was amusing at first, but now it’s just fucking irritating.

I’ve decided to chronicle those cases here, for prosperityposterity.

It started off innocently enough:

@DaLeynaRae – Way to go Denver!!! Great game @jrsmith!

And some of these people seemed to have useful or positive things to say:

@WallerCo – @jrsmith….where are u? U know the conference finals started tonight right?

@Ericsona – @jrsmith what did Kleza do ??

@ShadCharleston – Lol , Ok @Jrsmith ! ..can’t even hate on you for gettin’ that Tech! Good shot boy ..But still Lakers gonna Pull it off!

@jtenkely – Huge! 3 from @jrsmith at the end of the third… But you gotta watch your mouth or you give ‘em back.

@Johnytheanomaly – @JRSmith please duff #Kobe tonight

@dquarles5 – LOL @jrsmith slow mo replay of him cursin da whole dam stadium out!

Then it became evident that JR Smith is not well-liked:

@ShadCharleston – Seems like @jrsmith gets more playing time than Jones ..even though Jones starts.

@Wizdom80 – lol @JRSmith what a sissy…@nate_robinson would sock him all over again

@ShadCharleston – Ga dammit @jrsmith!!

@dnldidit – @lakersnation he smoke weed look @ his lips. Lmao @jrsmith

@D_AMAZIN – i think jr smith has a twitter.wel if he does @jrsmith i wanna see u do that goofy ass strut game 5 in la u fuckin clown!!!lmao

And, of course, the Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory came into play:

@MdotPORTER – @jrsmith shoot urself in the head! Thanks

Honestly, how difficult is it to click the link that forms when you mention me and see that I am indeed fat, white and not in a nationally-televised basketball game? Even if the picture on my profile didn’t give it away, maybe the fact that I’m checking in at a mexican restaurant on Britekite while you’re watching “me” on live TV might be a clue.

Morons.

I was asked at lunch today to guess at how much money I spend on domain names a month. I wasn’t sure. I spent some time just now doing some rough calculations, and here’s what I found:

Read the rest of this entry »

What was once jrsmith.net, then blog.jrsmith.net, then jrsmith.net/blog – amazing variety and creativity, I know – is now it’s just you and me.

I’ve moved my blog to this domain for several reasons:

1. I needed to make some use out of the several .me domains that I foolishly splurged on several months ago.
2. I desire to make jrsmith.net into an actual network, as the TLD suggests.
3. I like organizing things.

So, here it is. I’ll leave the default theme for now. The old speech bubble theme was dependent on some things that no longer exist, so it might be time for a change.

Links and feeds and so forth should redirect automatically, but please, update your bookmarks and feed readers. Enjoy the functionality that I never bothered duplicating in my own themes, like search and archive browsing, and let me know if you come across any errors.

Time marches on. There’s no fighting it. With time comes change, and evolution, and death and birth. This blog is not an exception. Changes in theme, evolution of Wordpress, death of topics and the constant gestation, birth and abandonment of ideas and new directions. So much is possible, so little is ever actually done.

My posting statistics have steadily fallen in recent years. Three or four posts a month, then two, then one, then one every 3 months. I think about this, obsess over this, constantly. As absurd as it sounds, of all things, Twitter has brought this more into focus. I follow other web designers and developers who constantly blog about the dumbest shit; it’s nothing but well known CSS hacks and “top 100 plugins for Wordpress to make your dick grow!”. I look at these tweets, and the resulting retweets and fortune and fame, and I think “There but for a lack of free time go I.”

I look at my lengthy list of domain names, my vast swath of “web properties” as I’ve taken to calling them, going mostly unused… I look at the dawt net in jrsmith.net and lament that this is not a network of any kind. It’s all such a waste.

I look at my 9 years worth of posts, a good 90% of which is bullshit emo drivel, or chronicles of bullshit emo drama. Most of it could be completely washed away and this site would be the better for it. I find myself more and more inclined to do so.

It may surprise some of you, but the things that I talk about here, and have always tended to talk about here, are the things I dislike talking about with other people. I dump those things here so they don’t spill over. It’s gotten me into — I want to say trouble, but that’s overstating — irritating misunderstandings. It’s no longer safe to do so, which goes a long way to explain my unwillingness to post.

So, just as soon as I have some spare time, I’m going to archive all the existing entries and comments and begin deleting anything that doesn’t have some kind of worth. I’m moving the three or so entries that survive the slaughter to itsjustyouand.me, where I will start fresh and blog about things that are relevant to my interests: web design, perl, python, databases, art, books, movies, TV shows, phones, fourth century mating rituals and what having a third testicle really means for a man in today’s world.

Throughout my life, when things have started to go bad, I’ve coped by simplifying and shaking things up. Removing the cruft. Assimilating a new habit, denying existing ones. It works well enough; the hue of life shifts just enough to smack of freshness and renewal, while retaining enough resemblance to the old one to keep shock from setting in. And while life right now is not particularly awful, I am unhappy with my circumstances enough to crave change.

Doing something with this blog is a good first step.

I used to read Word Up magazine.

It’s been a while since I posted anything here. Free time has been in very short supply.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary with Jenn, officially making it the longest functional relationship I’ve ever had. On this auspicious occasion, I can’t help but look back over the past year and take stock of what we have. There have been a few rough patches, but that’s to be expected in any kind of relationship. Nothing is ever perfect. The thing I try to keep foremost in my mind is that she actually, truly loves me. She’s not faking the funk. The way she feels is genuine. That sort of thing is rare, and not easily dismissed. If the price that I must pay for that is the occasional frustration and sometimes feeling more like a parent than a partner, then I pay it gladly.

I mean, she bought me a 3 pound bag of gummy bears. What’s not to love?

Here’s hoping we make it another year.

Today is Obama’s inauguration. It went pretty much as I expected. The noteworthy thing, in my opinion, was all the idiocy leaking out of people on cnn.com’s Facebook feed. Honestly, I missed half of his speech because I was laughing so hard at their comments. I’ve saved a few for posterity:

Andre Rivas is glad everything is fixed now. Thanks Obama!

Shit, everything is fixed?! I need to leave work early and check that old TV in my bedroom.

Brandi says “It’s over, pack your bags… we’re moving to Canada.”

OMG A BLACK IS PRESIDENT QUICK LET’S MOVE TO THE NEAREST WHITEST COUNTRY. YAY CANADIA!

Dave Baca wonders where Clinton’s hand is?

No inauguration is ever complete without a quick handjob.

Kiley Gray is The next 4 Years Are Going To Be Magical!!!

And not that sissy magic you see at birthday parties, either. ” I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.”

Sherri Buford Today is the first day of the rest of our lives…well 4 years of our life anyway…

No fucking shit. How profound.

Bethany Kaufman thought a red tie meant Republican?

I have no idea if this is true or not. If it is, hilarious. If it isn’t, hilarious.

Cheryl Wesson Thank God for a President who can use multi-syllable words correctly & with ease!

How insensitive. I sure hope there’s someone on Facebook with the guts to respond to your libelous statements…

James Michael Keel stop making fun of the former president of the united states.

OH SNAP! You got served.

Jason Rustle Barr is eating dried fruit for Obama

I believe this is the textbook definition of patriotism. It also explains why fruitcake was so popular.

Fee Guity is Praising God for this moment in History (THE REAL INDEPENDENCE DAY) and praying that Lil B Passes his 1st spelling test!

If “little” happens to be on Lil B’s spelling test, I’d say he’s pretty well fucked.

James W. Hills is hoping that all Black Men answer the call and step up and be more responsible and accountable…

…all other ethnicities can continue to screw around.

Jan Riggs Obama is human.

I guess this won’t turn out like that one Halloween episode of The Simpsons after all.

Kaley Jordan he sucks.

Eloquent.

Anthony Akuamoah-Boateng LiKeS tHe sPeeCh. cAnt wAit fOR tHe tRaNscRipT.

sO i cAn fUCK It uP juSt LIkE i do WITh ALl oF my oWn tEXT!

Daniel Millikin watched the Obama inauguration. Hope in Jesus.

I thought Hope was in Arkansas?

Seriously, though, I’m glad Obama didn’t get shot or blown up. Aside from the obviously sad nature of such an event, if it had happened, I think we’d have no choice but to declare Game Over on America and go play somewhere else.

Edit: One other thing. To anyone else that watched the inauguration: did you notice that when Arethra Franklin started singing, she paused just a little too long between syllables when singing “Our country”? It sounded like she said “Our cunt”, and I giggled more than I’d like to admit.

Last night was the series finale of The Shield. I’ve been a big fan of the show since the beginning, so I was both sad to see it end and excited to finally see all the drama and conflict that’s been building up for 7 years come to a head. Now that it’s over, I have a few thoughts that I’d like to immortalize forever on the interwebs.

Don’t read any further if you don’t want to read a LOT of spoilers.

I don’t want to say that I’m disappointed with the ending. It was a good episode, and I definitely enjoyed watching it, but it’s not at all what I was expecting.

I’ve been rooting for Shane to get what he deserved since the very first season. I’ve never liked him, even in the sympathetic light that he was being shown during the past couple of seasons. I can understand what they were trying to do with his character: he was just doing what he could to protect his family, he finally grew a conscience (thought that’s debatable), so on and so forth. It all culminates with him being overcome with regret and seeing absolutely no way out once Vic gets immunity. Killing his family and then himself is almost cliche, and I thought it was a big let down. I was looking forward to Vic and Shane finally clashing, letting all of the animosity and regret fuel a savage and bloody confrontation, hopefully ending with Shane dead and Vic on the run, or in jail. I wanted to see Ronnie, who finally had a character and a backbone, come into play. I wanted to see what was left of the strike team come to blows and tear themselves apart. Their final self-destruction was long overdue.

But that didn’t happen. Instead, Shane became the only likable one, and we’re made to feel sorry for him and his family. Ronnie goes down in an extremely lame way. They just waltz up to him and arrest him while he’s on the couch crying. His anger toward Vic, once he realizes he betrayed him, was believable but ultimately forgettable. I was actually kind of rooting for Ronnie to kill Vic. I didn’t necessarily want Vic to die, but it would have been satisfying to see Ronnie come into his own finally and take down the king.

I’m also not satisfied with Vic’s punishment. A desk job? For three years? I understand that for someone like Vic, being locked in an office doing paperwork for any amount of time is a tortuous eternity, but still… This man killed a lot of people and committed a LOT of crimes, and there’s no real consequence to his actions. Shane and his family are dead, Lem is dead, Ronnie is in jail forever. It’s already been established that Vic is a narcissist, so those things will make him sad now and then, but he’s free from the mental torture that normal people would suffer knowing that they’d caused such disasters. He did lose his family, but whether he would actually get to see them or not was left an open question. He was already limited to sporadic visitation. So it gets a little more sporadic. So what?

I wanted a resolution to the baby serial killer situation, and I thought that the inclusion of the “New Paradigm Party” mayoral candidate was basically filler, since he was introduced and then killed in the span of about 45 minutes. It was pointless. It ended as a small blip on Aceveda’s radar, and had no impact on his campaign.

All in all, though, I thought it was a good episode. It just didn’t give much closure for the series. We’ve spent 7 years watching Vic do horrible things and always get away with them. We’ve watched him destroy his family, and the lives of everyone he got close to, and in the end, he gets a slap on the wrist. I wanted more. I wanted an epic clash. I wanted to see a tidal wave of karma rush over him and envelope him, and I would have been happy whether he survived it or not.

I guess I actually am disappointed. It’s still been one of the best shows on television, and I’m sad that it’s gone. My only hope is that, since Vic is still alive and still sort of in law enforcement, they might be able to wrangle a movie out of this.

I bought a new car today:

It’s a 2008 Saturn Aura.

That is all.

I just discovered that this site’s 10th birthday was on May 7th. That’s insane to me.

Also, there might be a problem with Sandra’s baby, so, whatever you do to try to ward off bad things, please start doing it for her.